Ravings of a Textual Deviant

I’ve always been skeptical about claims that what you’ve eaten can influence your dreams. However, a recent experience may cause me to rethink my position, because it certainly wasn’t the company. After a large, delicious lunch of moules frites at Brugges Brasserie with my parents, husband, and in-laws, I went home and took a nap…which ended in a dream the likes of which I dearly hope never to have again.

I found myself starring in commercials for bizarre-themed modes of transit and hotels.

1. There was BarcaloungAIR, in which the original seats were replaced by original Barcaloungers, still in the original, odiferous condition from which they were purchased from former owners. And there still wasn’t room to recline them.

2. There was the Nerf Plane, which I must admit had an impressive safety record, as no one had ever died in a crash. Still, the way the kid who was flying it maneuvered it between buildings and around overpasses was definitively unnerving.

3. There was the Music Bus, the interior of which was all black plastic and faux chrome, and had surround sound in every hard plastic seat—but no headphones and no volume control.

4. There was the long-distance Karaoke Bus, on which no alcohol at all was served. A crime against humanity and nature; need I say more?

5. There was the Bombay Bug Hotel, which was built to resemble a Las Vegas rendering of the Taj Mahal—and yes, I know that the Taj is not anywhere near Mumbai. And the bug part? They had lovingly framed and displayed each and every insect ever killed by the hotel’s exterminator.

6. And finally, there was the Christmas Hotel, the visual theme of which was “The History of Department Store Christmas Decorations, 1950-1980″.

I blame Brugge’s delicious, but seasonal, Thunder Monkey Spiced Ale for that last one.

Oh, come on, how could I not at least try something called “Thunder Monkey”?

Work on the bathroom remodel is on temporary hiatus, as Spouse has injured himself moving a sheet of plywood. Fortunately, he’s taking good care of himself and improving—muscle injury rather than connective tissue, thank goodness. Still, we’ll be “rebaslining the schedule,” as I would say if I were at work.

Which, thank goodness, I’m not.

On the plus side, the floor joists look sound, so that headache is avoided.

Minx is finally voluntarily using the new litterbox, and not a moment too soon, as he peed on my gym bag last night. 

I modified the spiffy, much quieter, new litterbox by removing the crystalline litter in the carboard box/waste-catcher, and only using the box-lid piece of the assembly. Inside the cardboard lid, I put in a flat, 14″ x 20″ cookie sheet as a base. Now, we can use the clumping litter that Minx prefers (and is cheaper anyway), with a small quantity of the crystals thrown in to help keep the smell down. It’s kind of noisy when Magnus is in there, because he has to practically dig to China every time he buries his treasure, but it’s a very minor annoyance. Anyway, there’s a helping of old litter mixed in with the new litter, and we seem to be back on track.

The new setup is going to require more frequent cleaning, but it beats having to play “Where in the House is the Cat Pee?” twice a day.

Also, at the vet’s suggestion, Minx had his blood sugar tested again today, to see if we need to adjust his insulin. Spouse, fortunately, remembered that Minx has had diabetes-related litterbox issues previously, and it could be a coincidence…or at least exacerbated by the fact that Minx is an elderly kitty who does not like change.

So, after purchasing a large quantity of mouthwash, we’ve washed most of the peed-upon items, and replaced Spouse’s hat. There’s a large furniture throw that will need to be dry-cleaned, but the furniture itself seems to have been spared.

As have my nerves.

If only I had an attribution for this one; I can’t claim to have written it, but I don’t know who did.

‘Twas the nite before implementation and all through the house, Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in despair, With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of beer ).

Her resume glowed with experience so rare, She turned out great code with a bit-pusher’s flair.

More rapid than eagles, her programs they came, And she cursed and muttered and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!

On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!

Her eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,

From weekends and nites in front of a screen.

A wink of her eye and a twitch of her head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work, Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.

And laying her finger upon the “ENTER” key, The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted; The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

She tested each whistle, and tested each bell, With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded, The users’ last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, “It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want!”

It looks like the plywood subfloor is also soaked. And that black stuff at the bottom of the walls would be mildew. Spouse will be patching drywall for certain. Meanwhile, the toilet, sink, and old vanity are in the garage. The sink and toilet will be reused, but the current plan is to build a new vanity, which will have a tiled top that matches the new, tiled, fiberboard-free, and please $DEITY dry, floor.

First, though, Spouse needs to find out whether the floor joists are also wet, and whether they need to be sistered.

And just because we haven’t had enough potty-related fail around here, at least one of the cats doesn’t like the crystalline litter and has made his opinion quite evident.

In Spouse’s hat.

Thank Petsmart for enzyme cleaner.

I’ve got a Clever Plan, though, because I’d really like to keep using the new, self-raking litterbox. The box isn’t designed to be used with clumping litter, but if we’re willing to empty it out a little more often (and I am, especially if it means no more pee in headgear) I think I can make it work. Stay tuned; film at 11:00.

I have actually had a semi-personal reply from one of the legislators to whom I sent my idea on health care reform…I shall not identify the individual in question, but I will say it’s the first time I’ve ever gotten anything other than a form letter from anyone at this level of government.

Bonus points if you can guess the party affiliation of the individual in question, and double bonus points if you correctly ID said person.

Thank you for writing to me with your suggestions for health care reform. I appreciate your sharing with me the merits of developing a health care union model to act as a clearinghouse for affordable health insurance options.

I agree with you that the availability of affordable health care is an issue of great importance to our nation. In particular, I believe that Congress must continue to address the long-term fiscal viability of three main entitlement programs: Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. As Richard Fisher, President and CEO of the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas, noted in a May 29, 2008, speech: “Add together the unfunded liabilities from Medicare and Social Security, and it comes to $99.2 trillion over the infinite horizon.”

Fisher and many fellow economists note that the majority of this liability is attributable to the Medicare and Medicaid programs mainly because spending for these programs, and across the health care sector generally, are rapidly outpacing the growth of inflation at a rate faster than Social Security. The Congressional Budget office estimates that health care spending in both the public and private sectors composes 16 percent of the gross domestic product (GDP), or 2 trillion dollars, and is expected to rise to almost 50 percent of GDP over the next 75 years. Of that amount, Medicare and Medicaid spending alone constitutes 4 percent of GDP and is expected to grow to 20 percent by 2083.

The reasoning for this spending growth is multi-faceted. Much of it is due to years of increasing wealth in our country, which has enabled Americans to more easily afford cutting-edge medical procedures and drug therapies and has subsequently led to longer life expectancies. However, the growth is also a result of vast inefficiencies in our health care delivery system to the extent that 74 million Americans are still uninsured, and expensive care has not always proven to mean quality health outcomes.

There is not a silver-bullet solution to reigning in the rising cost of health care. However, Congress must work to strike a better balance between encouragement of medical and pharmaceutical research and development and minimization of waste and errors in providing care, specifically in the Medicare and Medicaid programs.

For example, Congressional health reform proposals could include increased utilization of health information technology (HIT), such as electronic databases, securitized online medical records, and telemedicine. HIT has the ability to reduce incidences of medical errors, streamline administrative paperwork, and prevent unnecessary repetition in services, all which drive up costs. HIT also has the ability to deliver better quality of care to patients who live in rural, medically under-served communities.

I will have your thoughts closely in mind as this debate continues in Congress. Thank you, again, for writing to me.

Feline bathroom remodel completed: all we have to do now is convince the cats to use it. We’ve already had poo on the floor once, and it’s been set up less than an hour.

Human bathroom remodel: Still in progress. The orange bits are plastic-backed polymer, weighed down with some primed scrap wood. Note the bottle of fungicide spray in the corner.

The self-cleaning catbox died this morning. Fortunately, it did so in such a way that it is still useable. I am, however, beginning to get a bit concerned for the other bathrooms in the house, given the trend that seems to be developing.

Spouse’s cookies were a hit at my office, my client site, his office, and the courts. And so, without further ado, I present the recipes.

(After completely disavowing any responsibility for the cookies, I mentioned that Spouse had spent the whole weekend baking and cleaning the kitchen…to which one of my coworkers exclaimed in shocked amazement “he cleaned the kitchen, too?!” Why, yes, he did. He’s like that.)

Notes:
1. I prefer to use my stand mixer for these recipes, mostly because I’m lazy.
2. I find that lining the baking sheet with baking parchment is easier and tidier than trying to grease it.
3. When using vanilla powder, mix it in with dry ingredients. When using extract, add it in at the same time as the eggs.
4. Finally, using a small, ice-cream type scoop helps keep the cookies a uniform size (so they all need the same amount of time to bake) and also keep the dough cooler and easier to work with.

Back of the Package Chocolate-Chip Cookies
 
1 C. softened butter
2¼ C all-purpose flour
¾ C packed brown sugar
¾ C granulated sugar
1 large egg (beaten)
½ tsp vanilla powder or 1 tsp extract
½ tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
12 oz. chocolate chips, or more if you’re feeling extravagant
 
Heat oven to 375°F. Cream the sugars with the butter. Add the egg. Combine the dry ingredients well, and add to the butter mixture gradually. Stir in chips. Drop 1 tsp (approx) rounds about 2” apart on baking sheet. Bake about 10 minutes. Makes more than Spouse can eat in one sitting, but just barely.

Snickerdoodles
 
1⅔ C all-purpose flour
⅓ C + 2 T granulated sugar
1 large egg
½ tsp ground nutmeg (take the time to grate it fresh yourself; then it won’t taste like old dust)
¾ tsp baking powder
½ tsp vanilla powder or 1 tsp extract
½ tsp salt
1 T ground cinnamon (or cassia, as you prefer)
½ C butter at room temperature

 
Heat oven to 350°F. Combine the flour, nutmeg, baking powder, and salt. Set aside. Cream the butter with the ⅓ C sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in the egg. Add the dry ingredients to the butter mixture gradually. (You may need to chill the dough at this point.) Form the dough into walnut-sized balls. Combine remaining sugar and cinnamon on a plate, and roll the proto-cookies in it. Bake about 15 minutes. The cookies will not spread much, and will have a cake-like texture.

Rich Chocolate Squares
 
1 stick of butter
4 oz. unsweetened (baker’s) chocolate
4 large eggs
Pinch of salt
½ C granulated sugar
½ tsp vanilla powder or 1 tsp extract
1 C flour

 
Heat oven to 350°F. Over low heat (or a double-boiler) melt the butter and chocolate together. Stir to combine. Remove from heat and cool to lukewarm. Beat eggs and salt until the eggs are light and have approximately doubled in volume. Gradually add sugar with the mixer running (or while a helpful person is mixing away). Add the vanilla. Gradually add the chocolate, mixing at low speed so as not to collapse the batter. Sift the flour in and stir gently, just until it is fully incorporated. Pour batter into a buttered, 9”square pan. Bake for 30 minutes, or until a shiny crust forms on top and the edges pull away from the pan. The center will be moist when tested with a toothpick. Cool to room temp, and if you like your lilies gilded, frost with chocolate icing. Cut into 36 squares. Dust with powdered sugar (or not) to serve.

As if all this weren’t enough, another one of my coworkers made a massive batch of cookie dough truffles that were also a big hit. (Caveat: The recipe is orginally by Paula Deen, “a woman who never met a stick of butter she didn’t like”.) My coworker assures me that you really do need to use the chocolate bark, rather than plain chocolate, in order to get the right texture for the outer coating.

It’s a good thing we were planning to redo the half bath over the holidays. Below is a picture of what we found after Spouse took up the nasty old carpet.

Every time Spouse embarks on a home improvement project, he usually ends up wishing fates worse than death upon our builder. Take, for example, the use of fiberboard as a subfloor in a carpeted bathroom.

DOUBLE FAIL!

Fortunately, my dad, a bona fide mad scientist with his very own lab, is going to give us some superabsorbent polymers to help suck some of the moisture out of the moldy sponge that the floor has become.

For those of you who are not fortunate enough to have a mad scientist in the family, I am told that diapers contain the same substance.

Stay tuned for another exciting holiday room remodel.

ETA: My dad was not only able to provide us with superabsorbent polymer, he also had a “better than bleach” fungicide for us…which is good, given that Spouse’s worst allergy is to molds, mildews, and fungi.