Grad School Blues
This started out as a comment on Turbulent Velvet’s response to Dorothea’s rant on academia. However, once I got going, it seemed more appropriate to move it here. So…
Hi. My name is Li and I’m a recovering graduate student.
I made the mistake of going to graduate school because I wanted to study a really interesting subject, not because I wanted to become a professional academic. I had a lot of ups and downs in the 2 1/2 years I put in. I was also in sporadic contact with Dorothea at this time, from Indiana, while she was in graduate school in Wisconsin. I wish that we had both put in the the effort to keep in closer contact, but as we know, graduate school is rather a black hole for one’s attention. All this leads up to me knowing what I’m talking about.
After I completed my coursework, I was too run down to finish my master’s degree. I didn’t care then, and I don’t care now. I went in to learn, and learn I did. Some of it even had to do with the material I was studying. I left town, got myself a job and a life, and I haven’t looked back. The truth is, I would’ve been a lousy academic anyway–one of my profs told me so, and meant it as a compliment at the time. Am I bitter? Not really, no more than I am about other random bits of stupidity perpetrated by anyone else in other situations. Do I consider myself a loser? Not at all. Oh, there are things I miss about grad school, mostly the constant intellectual stimulation shared with people who were studying the same thing I was. But I don’t feel that I was unworthy of academia, anymore than I feel unworthy of professional hockey because I’m short, out of shape, and can’t skate backwards. For me, it isn’t a question of success or failure. I survived with minimal brain damage, and I learned, and I chose to move on.
Are there problems inherent in the American academic system? You bet there are! Are there some really great people who stick it out anyway? Yes! Sounds like we’re all agreed on those two points. So, the system is broken in places, but not irretrievably evil. The real question is–What problems can we fix, and how? You can make a list of individual problems, of course, but I think that most of them would be symptoms, rather than causes. The underlying problem seems to be that academia is both a place to learn and a place to have a career, and these two goals are not always compatible. Hence professors who hate to teach and grad students who take home $65 a semester doing it for them because it’s training.
One of the things that I did was to make an effort to understand the system and learn how to work it to my advantage. By a comical twist of fate, I ended up as the president of my department’s graduate student organization. (I went to the bathroom during the voting. Came back and found myself elected. Seriously.) I also ended up on the executive committee of the university GSO. How? I showed up to the meetings. One of the things that I learned in the course of that adventure is that graduate students are each other’s best support. Get your ass out of the library and go to a departmental student organization meeting. Or, if you’re really ambitious, plan one. Take advantage of these resources!
Agitating from the outside is good–and it can draw attention to problems, demand solutions. Agitating from the inside is good too, and often just as effective. Now, I realize that it isn’t for everyone, but the least you can do is vote for your departmental reps, and support them when they go out on a limb for you and your classmates. You may feel that you have to compete with your fellow students, but if you ever venture out of academia–even if it’s just a temporary, part time retail job–you’re going to be expected to work as part of a team. Learn how to work with your peers, your professors, your department head, and your department’s support staff. Start learning how to do that now. Trust me on this. Back your fellow students when they’re against a wall, and they’re more likely to do the same for you. Treat the departmental secretary like a human being and a coworker–s/he may not have a doctorate, but you can bet s/he knows what’s going on in your department’s politics, and that knowledge is worth having! Remember, it’s not just school, it’s a workplace, too.
Also, I think that graduate student unionization can improve the quality of life for graduate students more than anything else I can think of. The capacity to take abuse and live on ramen noodles has nothing to do with your intellectual prowess, but a lot to do with being a successful grad student. How the hell are you supposed to learn anything when you’re stressed out, worried about money, and exhausted? Best of all, this is action that grad students can take themselves–no need to rely on the very system that is home to the problems to solve them.
And if all else comes to naught, consider the possibility that you may not be cut out for academia. There’s nothing wrong with that, I promise you–just as there’s nothing wrong with not being cut out for the NBA, the Metropolitan Opera, or Microsoft. It’s not a character defect, a failing, or anything to be ashamed of. Anyone who tries to make you feel bad about leaving grad school is either defending a system in which s/he has a stake because s/he succeeded in it–which is a normal and reasonable thing to do–or an asshole. I’m not going to say that the two are mutually exclusive, mind you, but it’s not 100% overlap, either.
Finally, let’s keep in mind that the people are the system. It may look like a huge, mysterious monolith from the outside, but once you get inside, you can see the weak points, the strong points, and the ways to change it. With the right motivation, people can and will make changes.
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