Ravings of a Textual Deviant

Every time one of the innmerable Kennedys dies in a tragic accident, we hear about the so-called Kennedy Curse. It’s hardly surprising, given how many Kennedys have died young. However, I think that the Kennedy Curse is actually far more insidious than, say, the straightforward fact that God just doesn’t like Democrats from Massachusetts. I have a theory. What if other Kennedys must die so that Ted Kennedy can stay alive? For those of you who may have been under a rock lately, let’s review some untimely Kennedy deaths:

1944: Joseph P. Kennedy, Jr., Ted’s oldest brother, was killed in a plane crash during a bombing mission in Europe during World War II.

1948: Kathleen Kennedy, Ted’s older sister, was killed in a plane crash in Europe.

1963: We all know that this was the year that President John F. Kennedy, Ted’s older brother, was assassinated in Dallas.

1968: Robert F. Kennedy, Ted’s last surviving brother, is assassinated in California.

1984: David Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy’s son and Ted’s nephew, dies in Florida after OD’ing on prescription drugs and cocaine.

1997: Michael Kennedy, Robert F. Kennedy’s son and Ted’s nephew, dies because he can’t ski and play football at the same time.

1999: John F. Kennedy, Jr., President Kennedy’s son and Ted’s nephew, dies in a plane crash of the coast of Martha’s Vineyard.

That’s seven dead Kennedys, four siblings (all of them older, too–maybe a little sibling-rivalry thing is going on there?) and three nephews since Ted’s birth in 1932. The first death occurred when Ted was 12, which as we know is right around the onset of puberty. Remember how you felt about your family when you were 12? Need I say more? The second death occurred when Ted was 16, an age when growing teenagers eat like horses because they need the energy. Maybe young Ted needed a little something extra. In 1962, Ted was first elected to the Senate. It’s no secret that the campaign trail can be pretty rough on you; maybe Ted was feeling a little drained in ‘63. Ted was on the campaign trail again in ’68, helping big brother Bobby in his bid for the Democratic Presidential nomination. 1984 was another election year, and as some of us may remember, it was a pretty rough year for Democrats. Hell, that election wore me out and I was only 10. In 1997, Ted turned 65, an age at which many people retire. Ted, however, carried on like a trooper. And in 1999, Ted’s long, hard fight in the Senate for the Patient’s Bill of Rights went down in defeat only hours before John Jr.’s plane went down in Massachusetts. That’s an awful lot of coincidences, don’t you think? And as if that weren’t enough, when you think about it, Ted ought to have shuffled off this mortal coil a while ago. Let’s not forget the infamous Chappaquiddick Island car crash in 1969. (Ted somehow managed to survive, even though his passenger, Mary Jo Kopechne, drowned in the accident.)

So, what does it all mean? The best advice I can offer is this– if you’re a Kennedy, avoid planes and politics, and suck up to Uncle Ted.

This entry was posted on Sunday, July 27th, 2003 at 8:29 pm and is filed under Daze in the Life of.... You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.