Ravings of a Textual Deviant

I’ve never particularly cared for my name (Liorah Ilene), hence my use of initials for many, many years. Now I know why. Thanks, Karen.

Literal meaning
“One who knows a man who could make a handle for that.”

History
Killing eighteen and withering all crops for a mile when first read out from a newly discovered sliver of parchment in 1976 AD, or possibly BC, the name Liorah was originally used chiefly to refer to a breed of goose, before seeking its fortune on the sea.

Famous Liorahs
1. “Terrible” Liorah Sprokes, PhD (”The Suspicious”), of the generation which fondly remembers the legendary Source of the Thames; last holder of the office of Her Majesty’s Punchbag;
2. Liorah Marl, champion of the right to use some thing or other; ghost-writer of Hugh Scully’s compelling autobiography, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM, HAVE YOU?;
3. Liorah de la Millington, BA, MSc, co-writer of INDIANA JONES AND THE FIRST ON THE RIGHT; last holder of the highly regarded office of Royal Plumber’s Mate;
4. Lady The Miss Liorah Frewsy, channeller under supernatural influences of unspeakable guilt; first holder of the office of Hot Diggity;
5. Liorah Orbiting, opponent of the entertainment industry blacklist; ghost-writer of Jimmy Clitheroe’s excessively sophisticated autobiography, READ MY STORY IN THIS BOOK; first holder of the office of King’s Bath Taster;
6. Liorah D Nootlooter, who’s never forgotten the monkey cartilage gear system;
7. Chief Scientist Liorah Nivea, who discovered more types of bacterial infection than any fifty-two people can name; ghost-writer of Anne Boleyn’s generally tolerated autobiography, IS THAT ME? NO, THIS IS ME;
8. Judge Liorah Nightdodge (”The Mighty”), reputedly trapped for sixteen days under a fallen monument to demanding money with menaces;
9. Liorah S Frote, named in court as holding compromising material concerning the paper aeroplane;
10. Brigadier-General Liorah Toot, early user of the world’s sturdiest box.

Typical Liorah motto
“Don’t touch that.”

Literal meaning
“Destined-for-Retail.”

History
Spelled out by the movement of snakes across desert sands around 11am, the name Ilene was originally used imprecisely to refer to the Disney corporation, its subsidiaries and partners, before interbreeding with the natives took place.

Famous Ilenes
1. Ilene Tidecatcher, channeller under supernatural influences of the early career of Roy Clarke;
2. Ilene Sponetote, populariser of various messiahs later purchased by major world religions; first holder of the office of Chancellor of the Eggs Checker;
3. Chief Scientist Ilene Oily (”The Nervous”), disgusted by the deckchair-cum-hat;
4. Ilene Cangoose, early user of paroxysms of fright;
5. Ilene Toot, named in court as holding compromising material concerning static electricity; ghost-writer of Clive Dunn’s offensively illustrated autobiography, SEE YOU IN HELL;
6. Ilene ap Nootlooter-Trabmaw, once saved by several of the more violent gypsy curses;
7. Ilene U Nightdodge, director of the new Bond movie, EXMOUTH BURNS;
8. Ilene O’Sprokes (”The Uncanny”), belittler of the constellation of Pleiades;
9. Ilene Quoits-Ach, reputedly trapped for fifteen days under a fallen monument to a nice cup of tea;
10. Ilene Lilly Li, who owes everything to the world’s most popular cosh; ghost-writer of Alastair Sim’s bestselling autobiography, E-MAIL ME FOR THE SECRET OF MY MILLIONAIRE’S SUCCESS; first holder of the office of King High Wizard Of Ipswich.

Typical Ilene motto
“Let us emulate the wily Prussian.”

I may have lost out in the name game, but my soul is worth ?10362, which, coicidentally, is probably the total of my student loans.

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