Ravings of a Textual Deviant

So, the other day, Ed gets this email…

Hello. I wanted to let everyone know that I am running a return trip to Cozumel March 12-19, 2006. We will be returning to the Hotel Cozumel and diving with Dive Paradise…Sounds like we could have another spectacular dive trip. Please let me know if you are up for the trip of the year. Let’s get together and get the dive season started with a trip back to Cozumel. The reports are that the reefs are in good shape and most of the hotels will be reopened before the Christmas season. Looking forward to diving with you in Cozumel. Thanks. Later.

[Name]
Training Manager [OMG!!!!!]
[Company] SCUBA Center, Inc.

Ed’s comment was, “I guess the water will still be there, but how much of Atlanti..er..Cozumel?”

I have finally managed to clear the last obstacle between me and my yoga instructor student teaching. I’m going to be volunteering at a hospital, and they require a TB test. I’ve been trying to get this set up for three weeks, and today I managed to get in so the nice lady could stick a needle in my arm. The test will be read on Thursday afternoon, and I’ll teach my first class that evening. I’m told that my future students are looking forward to it. I certainly am!

Me: How’s [document] treating you?
Technical Writer: Like it caught me in bed with its wife.
Me: Wow. That’s quite the mental image…papercuts in very uncomfortable places.

*****

Other Technical Writer: [Document that we've been trying to finish for two months] just got signed.
Me: Look for six more signs of the apocalypse.

MS Access is not the program I’m most proficient in; I know enough to be dangerous, and with enough creative profanity and time I can usually get it to do what I want most of the time. Therefore, I was suitably impressed when my boss managed to get the program to calculate percents; apparently Access isn’t fond of doing that so he had to code it from scratch. He sent me his code, to which I could only reply, “My database-fu is so weak!”

As our last shoe-mocking -shopping trip was such a rousing success, Karen and I headed out once more to the Temple of Shoes. She came away with not-black shoes that she can wear to work, and I, once more, went for the utterly impractical—high heeled sandals in a sparkly red and gold brocade. We saw some winter-breeding shoes that say “fuck me,” but not to humans (tweed flowers grafted onto them; I kid you not), as well as some of the breeds that had apparently been selected against, languishing in a lonely corner of clearance. We also saw some shoes with identity crises, shoes that had been assembled by ferrets (random collection of sparkly and furry things attached) and some acid-green shoes with a 3D collage featuring a stuffed-felt strawberry, peach, and onion. We also cruised by a purse that was entirely made of faux fur, causing Karen to wonder aloud if one might find its last meal inside.

Fortunately, we did so well with shoes that we decided to strike out and see if Karen could find some more professional-looking pants for work. Apparently, once you’re faculty, they expect you dress like it. Not only did she find three pair of pants and a gorgeous, blue-velvet blazer, she also fit into some black velvet jeans of mine that I’d hung onto until I could be assured of them going to a good home. Turns out that a black blazer and black skirt of mine also fit her perfectly, and they turned out to be an excellent trade for the three very cute tops that she’d brought along because they were slightly too small for her. They’re all very nice, but I think my favorite is the one with the Buddha on the tummy.

My December issue of Yoga Journal arrived in yesterday’s mail. One of the monthly features is a home practice sequence. One of the things I like most about this section is that it usually features at least one pose, or variation of a pose, that I’ve not seen or done in class before. This month, there were some fairly impressive ones. I looked at Compass pose and thought “maybe I can work up to that.” Then I looked at Eight-Angle pose, and thought “maybe, with Photoshop.”

I’ve finally made arrangements to get my yoga student teaching done; that’ll start on Thursday. In honor of same, I have gotten my résumé and business cards done.

C: Would you please sneak up behind me and push me down the stairs?

Coworker: Tell him to get his ass on [instant messenger program].
Me: I prefer not to use the word “ass” with management unless it’s absolutely unavoidable.
Coworker: Butt?
Me: Derriere. French makes anything sound good. Or at least pretentious.