Archive for January, 2006

Unbloggable

Tuesday, January 31st, 2006

Today was one of those days that begs to be spoken of, but I can’t change enough names or details to keep myself out of trouble. The edited highlights include some significant personnel changes at work and a totally unmedicated management team (me and my boss) trying to deal with said changes while launching a major effort on the same day. I’m starting to get the feeling that something big is looming at work. Not necessarily bad, but definitely big and definitely looming. This was followed up by half my yoga class either getting over a sinus infection or coming down with one and ending up nauseated (poor guys; I hope they’re feeling better today). That was followed by me picking up a high priority on-the-side project for someone who needs some spreadsheets untangled sooner than possible.

And those are the edited highlights. I’m having a problem believing that it’s only Tuesday.

Underworld Evolution: Insult to Injury

Monday, January 30th, 2006

For some reason, I’d gotten it into my head that yesterday was Superbowl Sunday. A friend of mine was visiting from out of town, and as neither of us had any interest in the game, we decided to go see Underworld Evolution and leave Ed to enjoy the game on his own.

Well, as many of you have already told your monitors, the game is actually next week…which is what Ed told me when we got home and he was watching Angel on DVD rather than football. “You mean we saw that suck-$%& movie for nothing!?” I exclaimed.

The movie has no character development, no plot, and no point, except possibly the brief sex scene. They took a fairly good concept and turned it into a soap opera that gave me Van Helsing flashbacks. The visuals are on the same level as the first film, but I was too bored (at first) and pained (later) to appreciate it. Even the “evolution” is nothing new.

See something else. I’m open to ideas myself, as I’ll need to find something else to see next Sunday.

What to Expect When Your Kid Reads Lovecraft

Monday, January 30th, 2006

Usually I’m not one to turn down good advice, such as “Never explain to your mother what a shoggoth is.” I’m fairly certain that my mom already knows, but as I’ve said more than once, she’s not like most moms. For those of you who don’t know, here’s a reasonably good explanation, and a source for the plush version.

The Judgment of Paris, Texas

Monday, January 30th, 2006

Diana looked every inch a goddess in the amber rays of sunset, perfect mahogany curls caressing her elegant neck. Rich blue silk hugged lush, womanly curves and draped elegantly, brushing her perfectly pedicured toes. Rose-petal lips remained fixed in a dazzling smile. As the others milled about, whispering nervously, she stood tall and silent, spine straight, hands lightly clasped in front, mindful of the line of her gown.

Crystalline tears fell from her sapphire eyes, running down alabaster cheeks, as an underfed peroxide blonde with a spray-booth tan was crowned County Fair Queen.

Names Omitted to Protect the Guilty

Saturday, January 28th, 2006

X: I’m moving his Pop-Tarts to the top shelf. I wonder if he’ll see them?

Y: Are they moving?

X: No.

Y: Probably just as well; he wouldn’t want to eat them if they were.

Good Carma

Saturday, January 28th, 2006

It appears that my semi-niece’s car problem has been completely resolved, thanks to her near-sister. Personally, I can’t think of a tidier solution. Nicely done, indeed.

Why Talking Frogs Are So Rare These Days

Friday, January 27th, 2006

“Come on, give it a try,” he urged from his lilypad.

“This is one of those fairytale things, isn’t it? I kiss you, you turn into a handsome prince, and we live happily ever after?” She pushed her golden tresses back to keep them out of the water and kissed his froggy lips.

Nothing happened. She tried again. Still nothing.

“Something’s not right. You’re not turning into a prince.”

“Never said I would.”

“You mean you’re not really a handsome prince? You’re not under a curse?”

“Sorry darling,” he drawled. “I’m just a talking frog with a thing for blondes.”

Little Green Men

Thursday, January 26th, 2006

It’s not easy being green. 

There was a public outcry when we created glow-in-the-dark fish. The scientific established howled in protest when we when created fluorescent-green transgenic pigs. Personally, I blame the Americans, with their pseudoscientific “intelligent design”. Still, we at the university continued our experiments with transgenics, knowing that our work would help build a better nation. At long last, we succeeded; first with lower primates, then with higher ones. By then, our space program had, as you say in English, gotten off the ground…and our Premier is famous for his humor.

I was the first to volunteer.

The Princess and the Pea

Thursday, January 26th, 2006

Twenty mattresses made a mountain of ticking and feathers on the kingdom’s tallest four-poster bed.

“A true princess is so sensitive, so delicate, that she feels a single pea underneath all that,” explained the chancellor. The king nodded wisely. The prince looked dubious, but held his tongue.

The latest candidate had a freckled nose that wrinkled attractively when the chancellor described the sleeping arrangements. A skeptical eyebrow quirked as she listened politely.

“A true princess recognizes nonsense when she hears it,” Lady Danadevi opined. “And she’s not afraid to say so.”

The prince beamed as he asked for her hand.

Fit the Twenty-Fourth

Tuesday, January 24th, 2006

In which the charming Alyeskan prince has an uncomfortable conversation, a disturbing bit of foreshadowing occurs, and the wildlife looks to its own conservation.

The day dawned fresh and bright, and such members of Team TransAmerica as were inclined began their morning with a turn about the deck of the Altes Zuverlässiges Helga. Mrs. Anderson and Prince Lvov found themselves admiring the view, notched fin notwithstanding, when Mrs. Atwood noticed several lights moving under the water. Much to everyone’s amazement, Mrs. Anderson and the prince were each hit with four enchanted bolts, much to the detriment of their persons and wardrobes. Fortunately, no lasting damage was done, but it was decided that perhaps the safety of belowdecks trumped the pleasure of the open air.

Finding themselves with little privacy and less to do, Our Heroes continued their seemingly-endless games of cards, Chinese language lessons, and prying conversations with fellow passengers. Prince Lvov was grilled mercilessly by Mrs. Atwood, Mrs. Anderson, and Dr. Hu (Mr. Lawton being subject to a self-inflicted mal de terre, and Mr. Karl and Miss Kingston were still recovering from their Penguin Ordeal).

Mercifully, the interrogation was interrupted by a very orderly and thorough lifeboat drill, which Lord Longsworth-Brunfondle declined to attend. Alas, it was only a brief respite for the Alyeskan. It was eventually revealed that he had been abroad for some time, and had become quite a fan of the Ellipse. Indeed, he had been doing extensive research on the the various team members, and was following their exploits closely in the newspapers, particularly the one for which his very good friend, Miss Penelope Fletcher-Finch, reported. Furthermore, he had been trying to catch up with Team TransAmerica in order to offer his assistance. It was also revealed that he had been abroad for very personal reasons, having been at the center of a juicy scandal at Her Majesty’s court in Sitka, which annoyed his mother sufficiently for her to send him abroad with the directive not to return until he had “learnt to behave properly.” Accordingly, the Alyeskans had been touring the world for the last two and a half years, and Evgeny had not seen his beloved wife since at least one daughter ago.

Nevertheless, both the prince and his long-suffering valet were deemed to have sufficient useful skills for Our Heroes to consider accepting the roundabout offer of help. Perhaps Mrs. Anderson summed up the group’s opinion best, when she said, “I don’t trust the prince any further than I can throw him, but I’d like to help Evgeny get home.”

Quote of the Game: “Stay on land, mate.”—Frederick the Mage-Engineer, answering Dr. Hu’s question as to how best to avoid the shark.