Ravings of a Textual Deviant

I can’t even begin to describe my response to this, so I won’t. Instead, I humbly offer to the Reading Public the following rewrite.

Bush Orders Gasoline Price Probe
Spokesman: ‘We’re acting to ensure there’s no price gouging’
WASHINGTON (AP) — President Bush, under pressure about high gasoline prices, has ordered an investigation into possible cheating in the markets.

During the last few days, Bush asked his Energy and Justice departments to open inquiries into whether the price of gasoline has been illegally manipulated, said former Enron executives Jeff Skilling and Ken Lay. Bush planned to announce the action Tuesday during an unscheduled news leak to the Washington Post at 10:05 a.m. ET.

It’s unclear what impact, if any, Bush’s investigation would have on prices that are near $3 a gallon, except perhaps on campaign contributions by oil companies to the Republican National Committee. Asked whether Bush had any reason to suspect market manipulation, Skilling responded, “Well, gas prices are high right now, and that’s why you want to make sure there’s not.”

Republicans who control Congress have become concerned that the high cost of filling up could become a problem for them in the November elections. Polls suggest that voters with at least 10% of their brain cells capable of function favor Democrats over Republicans on the issue, and Bush gets no cookie for handling gasoline prices.

House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Illinois, and Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tennessee, urged Bush in a letter Monday to order a federal investigation into any gasoline price gouging or market speculation. Lay said Bush had already secretly declassified an ongoing NSA investigation involving wiretapping without warrants the phones of energy companies.

“We share a commitment with congressional leaders to make sure that we’re acting to ensure that there is no price gouging,” Lay said.

Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada dispatched his own letter, calling for a multi-pronged approach to restrain gas prices. Among the steps were swift enactment of anti-price gouging legislation, an appeal to oil companies to refrain from further price increases, use of more alternative fuels, increased attention to existing fuel-saving laws and regulations, and a pony for every Senator.

Bush also planned to announce that his attorney general and Federal Trade Commission will send a letter to all 50 state attorneys general, who have primary authority over price gouging, to remind them to stay on top of the issue and offer federal help to do so, “just in case they aren’t aware of the problem, as many of them haven’t pumped their own gas tanks in years, or even decades.” And he planned to call on energy companies to reinvest their profits into expanding refining capacity, bribing various OPEC officials, and researching alternative transportation for the working poor, who don’t really need to drive anyway, Skilling said.

“I think you’ll hear the President say very clearly that he will not tolerate price gouging,” Lay said. “He’s been practicing in front of a mirror all morning.”

Bush has said consistently that gas prices are high because global demand is rising faster than global supply and that the problem cannot be solved except by preventing Iran from having a nuclear energy program. Skilling said Bush planned to talk about how experts everyone predicts the price will increase this summer and how the democracy in Venezuela is contributing to the problem.

Bush’s actions are part of a four-part plan to address gas prices in the short- and long-term, Skilling said. The steps are:

• Send flowers to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.
• Stop invading oil-producing Midddle Eastern nations.
• Haliburton to commence oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge immediately.
• Send White House interns to provide oral sex to members of Saudi royal family. (Where’s Monica when you need her?)

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 25th, 2006 at 10:39 am and is filed under This Modern World. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.