Ravings of a Textual Deviant

DM: I need d20 rolls from you three.

Housemate: Not us? Why?

Me: Because your conscience is clear and I don’t have one.

So called because even her five-year-old can make them.

4 sq. Baker’s unsweetened chocolate
3/4 c. (1 1/2 sticks) butter
2 c. sugar
3 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
1 c. flour
1 c. chopped nuts, optional

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Microwave chocolate and butter in large microwave bowl at high 2 minutes or until butter is melted. Stir until chocolate is completely melted.

3. Stir sugar into chocolate. Mix in eggs and vanilla until well blended. Stir in flour and nuts. Spread in greased 13 x 9 inch pan.

4. Bake 30-35 minutes or until toothpick inserted in center comes out with fudgy crumbs. Cool in pan; cut into squares. Makes 24 fudgy brownies.

Note: When using glass baking dish, bake at 325 degrees. For cake-like brownies, stir in 1/2 cup milk with eggs; use 1 1/2 cups flour.

A: All the people who have to sign my documents are on vacation.

B: Let’s see if we can get someone else to sign for them. Next?

C: We’re not getting results from Spain.

A: Maybe they’re on vacation?

B: The whole country?

D: Can we get France to sign for them?

B: Maybe we can escalate it to Great Britain. They still owe them for that whole Armada thing.

“That is NOT going on your blog!”—Housemate

And sometimes it’s a stretch, as demonstrated by the text that prefaced some requested data extracts.

Data loving extracted with the greatest care and precision from only the highest-quality, organic sources…

So, you’re flying your wounded selves on your giant owls from the Ghost Lord’s lair back to a city that’s about to invaded by ten thousand fanatical goblins and hobgoblins. What do you on the way? Stop to save some peasants whose farmstead is ablaze, of course. Except it wasn’t that simple.

A fairly hefty force was waiting for us, including those awful barghast things we’ve run into before. They have this habit of teleporting away instead of letting themselves be decently slaughtered.

I hate that.

And this time, it was with ominous purpose. As they were leaving, one fo them made a remark about knowing what they needed

I hate that part even more.

When it was all over, we discovered that the peasants had been dead for some time. We’d been set up; the force was there to gauge our effectiveness.

Words fail me when I try do describe how much I hate that. On the bright side, I felt a lot better about the group being wounded, down on spells, and tired, after that. I can only hope that they underestimate us.

Mind you, I don’t expect that, but it would be nice if something went in our favor.

So, as we head back to our probably-doomed employer, we have removed from action three out of four field commanders, and gained the neutrality, if not definite absence, of one of the opposition’s most dangerous allies. There is one more field commander, and his dragon, and his siege equipment, and his battle mages, mind benders, giants, and, oh yeah, the aforementioned ten thousand fanatical goblins and hobgoblins.

I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I have a head injury I haven’t told me about.

The crucifix had fallen off my bracelet…not just any old crucifix, but the one I’d been given by Grandma, after my confirmation. I was frantic. I turned out my jewelry box, desk, closet, and laundry hamper.

Nothing.

I pulled everything out of my car—trunk and passenger compartment—and found a lot of interesting and scary things, but not my crucifix. I backtracked.

No luck.

Finally, I started moving furniture, tossing the pillows all over the place. And there it was, in the sofa.

They say that God is everywhere, but who’d have thought to look between the couch cushions?

“We do not mix design elements with requirements [in documentation] any more than we mix peanut butter and mayonnaise.”

Housemate paid his fees, filled out yet more paperwork, and was duly sworn in to the Indiana bar today, along with 195 other individuals. He is now officially an Attorney.

You’ve been warned.

Housemate has re-roofed the shed, and once we get some paint and a couple of extra 2-x-4s on it, it shouldn’t need to be replaced for at least a few more years. He also cleaned it out, and it looks much less disreputable, both inside and out.