Ravings of a Textual Deviant

I knew Fiance had had a bad day when he came home and announced “My clients are crazy and stupid.” This is nothing new, mind you. It’s entirely possible that he sees more crazy people on any given day than our mutual friend, the psychiatrist, and stupidity is more abundant than hydrogen. But apparently, today was noteworthy, as summed up by the statements below.

In court—

“The court ignored my carefully crafted argument of ‘well, duh!’”

And out of it—

“So, [opposing counsel] wants us to ignore the protective order, because [opposing counsel's client] violated it—what a novel legal theory!!!”

R: LI FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!

Me: There’s a job I don’t want. I think “Dictator for Life” or “Empress” would suit me much better.

R: Or even Domestic Goddess…

Me: I’m not really what you’d call domesticated. The goddess part sounds good, though.

Go to Trader Joe’s. Buy a box of pumpkin bread mix, a jar of pumpkin butter, and some eggs, unless you already have two at home.

I’m really lazy, and I do this next bit in the standing mixer. Combine the eggs and pumpkin butter. Add about 1/2 C. water and stir to combine. Add the bread mix and stir to combine thoroughly. The batter will be cakelike, rather than doughy.

Pour the batter into a greased loaf pan. Follow baking directions on box. (I believe it’s about an hour at 350 degrees). I find it usually takes an extra 5-10 minutes in my oven, but your mileage may vary. Check the bread with a toothpick; if it comes out clean, the bread is done.

Let the bread cool for about 10 minutes in the pan, then turn out. Glaze with a milk and powdered sugar glaze if you like your lillies gilded. In addition to being really good on its own, it makes great french toast and bread pudding.

And I do mean anyone.

“Some people are like slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.”

Fiancé and I have started a new game, run by a longtime pal and GM, in which all the players are in a Hercules-and-Xena type universe, although it’s being run as D&D 3.5. All of us, for one reason or another, have been kicked out of our home planes and can’t go back. Our cast of characters includes Deception; a dragonkin dwarven smith, Demetrios, who’s the demigod of organized labor; Alcion, the Dark and Eldritch Redistributor of Wealth; Kerberos’s little brother, who only has two heads, but drools fire; a naïve nymph; and my character, Delta, who is the Fates’ younger half-sister, a bard/sorceress and the semi-goddess of anachronism. (“Anyone can be a demigoddess, sweetie, but who wants to be just another roadside shrine on the road to Delphi? A semi-goddess is new; it’s different; it’s a marketing strategy!”) Delta has an ergonomically-correct lime-green hiking backpack that occasionally produces things like velociraptor claws, or a sheet of Hello Kitty temporary tattoos.

So far, we’ve gotten everyone introduced to each other, and I have had great fun confusing everyone. The group’s general intent is to become heroes and, more importantly, do enough good deeds to be able to get back home. So far, Demetrios has healed an orphan and gotten him an apprenticeship at the local forge, and Kerberos’s little brother is currently depleting the local wildlife. Delta’s goal is a little different; she wants to travel, become a performance artist, and find herself. Her main accomplishment so far is confusing everyone, and she really misses margarita night with Kassandra, as they understand each others’ problems very well indeed.

Oh, and we killed a 12-headed pyrohydra. It was pretty nifty, actually, and Delta wrote bad haiku about it.

Hammer from the sky
A taste of winter’s fury
Hydra is no more

[Translation: Demetrios pummelled the stuffing out of it and Alcion finished it off with an ice-storm spell, while all Delta managed to do was break a nail]

X: Why didn’t you yell at me for not getting you my status report yesterday?

Me: Because I prefer to let guilt eat away at you from the inside.

I quote the Wikipedia article on Malaysia’s first astronaut, who is orbiting even as I type.

Since Sheikh Muszaphar is a Muslim, and as his time in space will coincide with the last part of Ramadan, the Islamic National Fatwa Council drew up the first comprehensive guidebook for Muslims in space. The 18-page guidebook is titled “Guidelines for Performing Islamic Rites (Ibadah) at the International Space Station”, and details issues such as how to pray in a low-gravity environment, how to locate Mecca from the ISS, how to determine prayer times, and issues surrounding fasting. The orbit of the ISS results in one day/night cycle every 90 minutes, so the issues of fasting during Ramadan are also addressed. The guidebook will be translated into Russian, Arabic, and English. Ramadan began on September 13, 2007, and continues through about October 13, 2007, meaning Sheikh Muszaphar will spend the last four days of Ramadan in space. Anan C. Mohd, from Malaysia’s Department of Islamic Development said that fasting while traveling is optional, so Sheikh Muszaphar could choose what he would like to do, but if he did decide to fast in space, the times would be centered around local time in Baikonur, where the launch takes place. Sheikh Muszaphar will celebrate Hari Raya aboard the station, and packed some satay and cookies to hand out to the rest of the crew on Saturday, October 13, to mark the end of Ramadan.

I think it’s actually pretty cool that someone has put this together; I think that a lot of people forget that the Muslim world was the center of scientific development for quite some time, and I am glad to see that culture sphere getting its science groove back.

“Build a man a fire and he stays warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he stays warm for the rest of his life.”

I’d like to tell you that things aren’t always like this at work, but I’d be lying.

Me: Are we using it as a noun, a verb, or an adjective?

Writer: It is describing the intitial meeting for a project.

Me: As in “kickoff meeting”?

Writer: Yes

Me: If it’s a verb, then it’s kick off. If it’s a noun or adjective, it’s kickoff.

Writer: I think it is an adjective, since it determines the type of meeting.

Me: And if it’s a Russian name, the alternate spelling is “kikov”.

Writer: I thought that was a name of vodka.

Me: I thought that was Popov. The hyphenated version is an alternate spelling for the noun/adjective usage, but I think it looks suspiciously British.

Writer: So kick-off and kickoff are both acceptable?

Me: (Resisting temptation to slightly misquote Clint Eastwood) Do you feel English?

Writer: Nah, I had bagels this morning, not english muffins. Maybe I should find a yiddish word?

Me: Start with “oy”

Writer: Oy kay!

Me: It’s the most-used word in the Yiddish language–trust me.

Writer: Implicitly!

Me: My fiendish plan is working

Writer: Thank you! I’ll see if I can finish this document then. It’s a [censored] special.

Me: Do you get fries with that? Or just brain-fried?

Writer: That would be the case.

Me: We who are about to fry salute you.

Writer: I’m sorry, the neuron you have dialed has been disconnected. please check the number and think again.

Me: You are assuming that I thought about it the first time. I am a manager, after all.