Ravings of a Textual Deviant

Another thing I wish I had written—I quote Ilana entirely without her knowledge or permission.

So the other day while Dan and I were touring Philly - the town that is, in fact, all about the Benjamins - we decided that Benjamin Franklin was clearly the Chuck Norris of the 1700s. Thus, I present to you some facts about Benjamin Franklin:

1. Ben Franklin invented EVERYTHING. Even your mom. Especially your mom.

2. Ben Franklin does not sleep. He is already so healthy, wealthy and wise that it would kill a weaker man.

3. Poor Richard is the guy who talked smack about Ben Franklin. Ben Franklin killed him and wrote an almanac based on reading his entrails.

4. When recreating the portrait of the signing of the Constitution, the artist could find portraits of all the signers to work from, save Jacob Broom. This is because Mr. Broom tried to butt in line to sign the Constitution in front of Ben Franklin, and Ben Franklin promptly ripped his face off.

5. The Franklin stove is not really something Franklin invented; it’s one of his nicknames, as his sheer, unparalleled hotness could in fact heat an entire house if properly harnessed.

6. Ben Franklin is actually what BF stands for. He is the original BF, and everyone’s BFF. Unless you cross him. The term “best friends” originated to pay homage to his initials.

7. Ben Franklin is so sexy even his focals turned bi.

8. Ben Franklin’s pseudonym, Mrs Silence Dogood, can be anagrammed to spell Decode Girls’ Moons. Also Genocide Lord Moss. The only thing saving us from this destruction is that it can also be anagrammed to spell: Declines God’s Room.

9. Ben Franklin has a bucket…of LIGHTNING.

10. Ben Franklin considers six letters to be redundant: c, j, q, w, x and y. If your name begins with any of these letters, watch out.

11. When Ben Franklin was Grand Master of the Freemason Lodge Les Neuf Sœurs in France, his number was 24. This means he may also secretly be Jack Bauer.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 4:45 pm and is filed under The Write Stuff. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.