Ravings of a Textual Deviant

A few weeks ago, Spouse was in Louisville, helping a friend with a home improvement project. Because my car gets better mileage, I encouraged him to switch cars with me for the day.

While my car was legally parked on the street in Louisville, it was sideswiped by person unknown, who failed to miss a single panel on the left side of the car. The repair estimate is over $2500. Fortunately, my deductible is considerably lower than that, and I do have rental car coverage. So, I dropped off my wounded princess and the insurance-company-designated repair venue, and picked up my rental car.

Generally speaking, I have found that smaller cars are simply more ergonomic for me as an under-5-foot-tall driver. Therefore, I had specifically requested a compact. The Dodge Neon was the “example car” on the chart, which would’ve been fine for the two weeks or so that I anticipate needing a rental. I’ve never owned anything larger than Bob, my 1988 Thunderbird that went the way of all flesh in 2000. Bob was by no means a road yacht, but he was definitely no compact—although he handled very well for his size. Before Bob was an Accord; since then, I’ve had a Saturn and now, the Civic.

The smallest rental car available was a cream-colored PT Cruiser, which—for the members of the Reading public like me who couldn’t care less if it weren’t relevant—is built on a truck base.

That’s right, I asked for a small car and got a toy car look-alike on a truck base.

I hate the PT Cruiser, just for the record. The design drives me nuts, and not just because the self-consciously retro look and feel reminds me of the kids in high school who tried so desperately to be cool, wore all the right clothes, etc., but never seemed to actually manage to be cool. The design is also just plan stupid. Example of this:

1. The parking brake is on the passenger side of the gearshift
2. Even though it has remote locks, you still have to push a button on the exterior door handle to open the door
3. Cupholders are placed in such a way as to promote as much spillage as possible
4. The speedometer only has numbers in increments of twenty on an analog dial
5. Side view mirrors don’t defrost well, particularly on the driver’s side 
6. Most of the dials are analog…but there’s a digital compass/outside temperature readout
7. Radio stays on when you shut off everything else
8. By the time the driver’s seat is pulled far enough forward for me to reach the pedals, I can’t get out the driver’s side door
9. Blind spots that could hide a tank
10. Heat/defrost controls are so unintuitive that I thought the car didn’t even have a rear defrost, despite the obvious pattern in the rear window.

And it turns out to be a gas guzzler. My daily round trip on a work day is less than 20 miles. I picked it up with 1/4 of a tank. After 15 miles or so, it was whining at me for a fill-up.

Apparently, Chrysler has decided to discontinue the PT Cruiser. If only it were possible to retroactively remove them from the fabric of spacetime.

I cannot claim to have originated any of the content below, but I like to think it’s the sort of thing I’d say.

A: Oh [Irritant] called me a little bit ago.  He IS out job applying today OMG! *thud* actually doing something!  Who woulda thunk it!???

B:
1 – Sit down
2 – As your friend I have the unpleasant task of informing you that you’ve temporarily lost your mind.
3 – Don’t get excited or scared.
4 – When you’re calm go inform your supervisor that you’re sick and need the rest of the day off.
5 – Drive directly home.
6 – Close all the blinds and lay down.
7 – When you’re convinced that [Irritant] isn’t actually doing something productive you can go back into society.