Ravings of a Textual Deviant

A: What is Microsoft Works?

Me: An oxymoron.

I work in software quality, and I’ve spent a lot of time with customers who insist that they need custom tools for their wildly esoteric and unique needs, needs that no other company in the history of commerce could ever imagine having.

Needs such as defect tracking and payroll.

In my experience, this leads to what I call the screwdriver/three-hole punch problem. Briefly, a customer has a burning need for a three-hole punch, and because they’re buying tools anyway, they also want a Phillips screwdriver. Somebody then comes up with the brilliant idea for a combination three-hole punch/screwdriver, and decides that this is the only possible solution to their problem.

When I’ve seen this happen, it tends to go one of two ways:

1. The customer calls up a big-name company that makes the best three-hole punch known to man, and asks if they can bolt on a screwdriver attachment. The customer waves a lot of money and after a lot of customization, you end up with a three-hole punch that works most of the time, and a Phillips attachment that tends to strip your screws.

2. The customer finds a tiny, boutique vendor that individually handcrafts a combination three-hole punch/screwdriver that looks really cool. The customer waves a lot of money and two guys in a garage try to build 25,000 identical combination three-hole punch/Phillips screwdrivers in three weeks. They deliver six months late, and the product turns out to be a two-hole punch with a Robertson screwdriver.

In both cases, it also usually turns out that the customer really needed was a good set of Allen wrenches and a red Swingline stapler.

My knee-jerk reaction to this is that it’s a requirements problem, but I keep wanting to think that there’s more to it than that.

Me: It would be nice to have a formal process by which we do so
X: And that is the only point I want to make
Me: Maybe even a formal, documented process…but I tend to think that way
X: Now just hold on…you’re getting out there young lady
Me: Am I, or am I not, the Empress of Quality?
X: My apologies…of course Your Majesty
Me: Oh good..I was afraid I was delusional AND having an identity crisis

If only I had an attribution for this one; I can’t claim to have written it, but I don’t know who did.

‘Twas the nite before implementation and all through the house, Not a program was working, not even a browse.

The programmers hung by their tubes in despair, With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.

When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of beer ).

Her resume glowed with experience so rare, She turned out great code with a bit-pusher’s flair.

More rapid than eagles, her programs they came, And she cursed and muttered and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!

On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!

Her eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,

From weekends and nites in front of a screen.

A wink of her eye and a twitch of her head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work, Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.

And laying her finger upon the “ENTER” key, The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted; The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.

She tested each whistle, and tested each bell, With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded, The users’ last changes were even included.

And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt, “It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want!”

Sent to tester & system analyst:

Sent by system analyst: “I haz new reqs”

Geek factor 9!

ETA: For the non-geeks, “reqs” = system requirements

Just so you all don’t get the idea that nothing interesting has happened at work lately, I offer the following:

after testing a requirement for the third time, and after being told it was fixed twice:

“When asked if he’d worked on this, D.C. responded ‘I’m not sure if anything needs worked on.’ After showing the issue again, he agreed that something needed worked on.”

My team went to lunch at a local German restaurant today. As one person was perusing the menu, she remarked that it was odd to find a Reuben sandwich on French bread rather than rye.

“It’s a Vichy Reuben,” was the immediate riposte from the other end of the table.

“The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.  For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question, ‘How can we eat?’  The second by the question, ‘Why do we eat?’  And the third by the question, ‘Where shall we do lunch?’” —Douglas Adams

As always, there was much debate about where to go for our team lunch. We had seven restaurants suggested, and two vetoed, but only three places actually got votes, (or four, if we’re counting “wherever” as a place). As usual, it came down to simple economics.

Sort of.

A: The cheapest place since we have to pay for it, and I usually eat lean cuisine for $2.67 every day.

B: Well, the Wheeler Mission is pretty close to there; I hear the food is cheap.

A: I’m not allowed in there anymore.